Saturday, February 18, 2006

Dream a little dream of me (or of someone else if you prefer)

I had an odd dream last night (yet not so odd). The only reason it can be considered odd is that the man in the dream was very obviously Ben Affleck.* I remember waking up and asking myself, What the heck was that all about?

When I thought about it, I knew exactly what it was about as I've had dreams like this on several occasions but only this one starred the former flame of JLo.

Now on to the dream I'm sure you're all dying to know about:

Ben and I were sitting in a seat arrangement that resembled a movie theatre, yet I don't recall if that's what we were actually doing - watching a movie that is. I know we were watching something, just not too sure of the particulars.

Showing that I haven't totally lost my mind, I do remember thinking, while sitting next to him, "Wow, I'm sitting next to Ben Affleck..." Yet at the same time there was more to it than that. We seemed to have known each other fairly well as we were 100% comfortable with one another: he sat to my right with his left hand resting casually on my right leg, just above the knee. There was this feeling of complete serenity, like we had been seeing each other for quite some time, that it was us who were married.

Yet, while this was happening, I had remembered Jennifer Garner and Violet. This may have been the real-life part of my brain kicking in, telling me this scenario would never happen because, duh, he's married. (But just so you know, it's rumored that he and Jennifer, along with Violet of course, are looking for a place to live in Virginia as Ben supposedly has his eyes set on a Senate seat here.)

In my dream, I had this feeling that we were not only familiar with each other, but the "in love" vibe was felt, too. I had even checked his ring finger, which was the very hand that rested on my right leg, noting that though the ring wasn't there, a fine white line was, meaning it had been removed fairly recently.

When it was time to leave, we had planned on leaving through the back door of wherever we were but it was pouring outside. Somehow the paparazzi had found out Ben and I were in the building so naturally, they were waiting for us outside all exits. We could see Ben's pine green BMW not far from where we stood just inside the doors yet we couldn't get to it. This is when I had the most profound moment I think I've ever experienced in a dream, seriously. (Well, the ones I remember anyway, which aren't very many.)

It was kind of like I knew that if he went into that car by himself, I'd never see him again. That when he left standing there, he'd be driving home to Jennifer and Violet, putting his wedding ring back on as he drove. Yet I was okay with that. There was an eerie calm that possessed me at that point, a point when most anyone would be hyperventilating because their perfect love just ditched them forever.

I've been looking up my dreams long enough to know the ones that make it to morning and through my waking are important and usually have significant meaning. Many I have had to ponder for quite a while, but this one worked itself out, sort of. That can sometimes be off-putting because it makes you face what you haven't wanted to in the past.

So Ben drove off in his beamer and, though I missed him terribly, I was okay.

This is the point where my alarm rang, screaming at me that it was now 6:30am and I needed to get my ass out of bed. Even if it was Saturday.

I think this is the 4th dream that has played out this same way. Each time, however, it's a different guy (but so far one I have known or known of at some point in my life) and different circumstances, and I may get a little further in understanding the relationship aspect of it, but the guy still leaves in the end. Also, there has yet to be the act of sexual intercourse in the dreams. We’re never in the same financial situation, though we’re never poor either. Hardly ever are we in the same house or city, yet the vibe is always that we know each others most intimate secrets.

I know these dreams come from somewhere deep within my subconscious, very possibly to remind me that I'm not the badass woman I pretend to be, and that even I desire a partner in life. One who will love me unconditionally for as long as I need him to. I just think it's odd that every time thus far the guy has left but on good terms, almost as if his contract is up and the job is done.

In real life, it’s been me leaving all but one of my long and short-term fly boys.

What I gather this dream to have meant:

♀Yes, I do want to find that *eternal* love, and that I long for someone to sit next to me in the movie theatre who will not roll his eyes when I point out how sexist/racist/classist/ableist someone is being or that my dislike of a movie is not purely one of overreaction, but of an honest opinion.

♀ That person would also have to be touchy-feely as well as someone who won’t be up my ass. I do require my own personal time and space. Who the hell likes to be watched over their shoulder constantly?

♀ That, while I have the capacity to love someone with my whole heart, they will not become my soul purpose for being (except for Peanut of course). My life is my life and I fully expect to be treated that way as I hope he would expect me to do the same.

♀ Maybe I’m just not supposed to be with only 1 person for the rest of my life. Maybe I’m meant to have several meaningful, though certainly long-lasting, relationships, just not the everlasting love that we’re led to believe is really out there. Gloria Steinham said she had several relationships that were noteworthy; some lasted 2 months, some lasted 10 years. It simply wasn’t until she was older that she felt ready to officially dive into the depths of marriage.
That said, I will admit these damned dreams leave me longing terribly for what I don’t have and it sucks.

This intense feeling is what I’m sure many of us felt after watching the movie “The Notebook.” The author, Nicholas Sparks, in an interview, admitted that his stories embody what he had hoped to find in his life; an intense love for another person that, no matter what, hardly diminished, even after sevens years apart. Sparks admitted it was not something he experienced in his life, but he hoped others might be more successful in finding it. Funny thing coming from a guy who’s been married for 10 years at least.

So I sit here now longing painfully for someone to share a bed, to provide me with a friendship that will far outlive sexual intimacy and irritable mornings. And damnit, someone who is willing to put up with my criticalness and nearly OCDesque behaviors even when they’re extremely unbearable and the only thing they would most enjoy is throttling me simply because they love me and that's just the way I'm wired.

*Which is very odd in and of itself for hopefully obvious reasons but mainly because I'm not all that attracted t him. What does draw me to him is the natural, down-to-earth aura that exudes from his interviews and the like. I also believe Jennifer Garner to be down-to-earth and much more real than many stars out there which is why I think the two are a perfect couple and I hope they make it.